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ikrusnik
26 June 2011 @ 10:41 pm
Lmao, so I guessed it right. No quicker than a month I have gained the #1 hated quality in my mind: Indifference.


But hey, on the bright side nothing can get to me. :D
 
 
ikrusnik
12 May 2011 @ 12:53 pm
Man, it seems that around this time of year I stress more about everything to the infinite power.

I've become a worry wart. Everything has become an issue for me, and I find myself looking at every situation through a negative microscope. It can be me stressing about how my girlfriend feels about me (which I still think she's lying to me, but whatever), or about family stresses, or school. There is no way to avoid that, really.

To be more in specific, I feel like this relationship is not riding as smoothly as it should. My gut keeps telling me she is not as affectionate as I was. Hell, she was always all over me, making cute faces, making me feel like a damn king. Now..now I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that she would have told me if things were going rye between us. Still, that gut feeling cannot be eluded; I feel like she is losing interest. Conveniently, it ends up being about a year after my meltdown with that other bitch. Whatever.
 
 
ikrusnik
31 December 2010 @ 04:26 pm
 A lot of laughter, a lot of crying, 
a lot of anger, most certainly a lot of trying.

2010 was a year that I honestly can say was enjoyable, new, and exciting. I spent the first few months in cloud 9, 10, 11, and so on. Obviously crashed down hard, but when doesn't that happen throughout a year? 

Here's a chart of how 2010, on a month by month breakdown. 






That is NOT how anybodies' year should be! 

For the most part, I made great friends, lost many friends as well, bettered myself in everyway possible.

Graduated High school
Started College
Knows he's not a failure.

The cons?
Too many to name. x.x

Let's hope that 2011 will be a lot more forgiving than 2010 was.
Tags: , ,
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Blame It
 
 
ikrusnik
04 September 2010 @ 01:32 pm
Feels like the end of the world without her.

Again, stupid shit to say but at least I feel that way.


I mean, really, what did I do to her that was bad? I just don't get it. I just don't know how I am going to find this said 'closure' anytime soon. I just pray to god that shit doesn't get murky for me.

I'm never a violent guy. Most of you see me as friendly. With the weapons I have, my arms, I've already busted through my walls, broken windows, punched a tree square and dented it. I really am getting angrier by the second.

Still, my depression exceeds my damn anger. And I wish I had neither; Indifference is something I am dying for at this moment. 
 
 
ikrusnik
02 September 2010 @ 09:42 am
People make it sound like its second nature. As if moving on was something that can be done in a heartbeat. Sure, there was a time when good old Tk used to just jump from female to female, but that was at a time when I was still trying to find myself, and my tastes.

Now it's different.



I know what I want. I want what I can't have. I want to make myself happy, but at this point I feel like my happiness lies within her. It's a stupid, idiotic phrase, one that I'll look back at and laugh really hard, but right now seems more than true.

My best friend is leaving to South Korea on Friday.
Alex, the one who has put life into a much simpler perspective, is already doing his thing.

I don't have more best friends. But even if they're far as fuck away, they feel closer than ever. I <3 you guys.


Been listening to cadences, trying to get a good boost out of them.

Goals right now? Try to keep things as simple as possible. Focus on the 2+2's rather than memorizing Newton's Method. Those moments I slip into a phase, I got to snap myself out of it and think logically.




Ever have that feeling where if you don't do something, the opportunity will just run away? Yeah, the less is more theory is not one I can accept so easily.


Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Less is more.
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Students clicking away.
 
 
 
ikrusnik
01 September 2010 @ 08:57 am
The more effort I give, the less a chance things'll work.
The less effort I give, the more I feel like everything is slipping.

I know life is full of balance.
I know that my astrological sign is ALL ABOUT balance.
I know that if I don't find balance, that I will never be exactly happy/satisfied.


What blows is that it's either 'all-in', or indifference.
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Parkway Drive
 
 
ikrusnik
23 August 2010 @ 10:15 pm
I have to remind myself that she let me go.

She fucked up in going back out with me out of pity. She messed up when she decided to put up a facade. Yet, she claims that it was to protect me.  If anything, it made me even more vulnerable. And that I cannot tolerate whatsoever.

Still, feelings don't fade away, I love her still, and that's the problem.

Why do I still care for someone that has made it apparent that they don't care anymore? Almost as if we're the kind of "friends" that just say hello and goodbye. I'm not exactly sure if it's better that way, but god damn. I miss her so much.

I haven't felt so stressed, so strained-

and like the last time, at the worst of times.
 
 
ikrusnik
11 July 2010 @ 12:35 am
The cool thing about the last entry I wrote and the one I am writing now is that things finally seem like they're back to normal.

Christine and I are back together.

Which is awesome. :) She makes me happy and I make her happy as well. However, I came out of the little debacle learning something; growing something new. In those 2-3 weeks, I learned that you have to grit your teeth to get what you want, even if it hurts someone. For the first time in a while I took my own advice: Be selfish.

I came out victorious, but with scars all over my body. Let us, hypothetically, say that this were to happen again. I learned to say to hell with it. I'm more ready than I ever have been to face a challenge, almost inviting one every chance I get.

Another shocking story: My father quit drinking. Kinda cool to be honest. We'll just see how long it lasts, but he's held up 2 months strong. We're there with him.

Everything is, well, everything. :)
 
 
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: Kamelot
 
 
ikrusnik
16 June 2010 @ 06:43 pm
Whether it was intentional or unintentional, my mother has made me feel like the worst person in life.

I didn't come back to this house because I cared about my father. I cam back here because some of my material possessions are here. I came back here because, unlike in the small townhouse in Hialeah, I had my privacy. Yes, he is my dad, and the fact that he is my father biologically bonds me to 'caring' about him, albeit the length of that statement is very short. At this moment, I don't care what happens with my mother or father because it is not my damn business.

My mom just came to me, telling me that its not cool hearing people say that his children accepted him. Never did I once say I accepted him. Not one time did I utter that statement. Yet, my mother, like all the outsiders watching this unfold, believes that Jose and I have crawled back to this camp, simply because we forgot about the incident. And my god, it tears me to the damn core to have my mother, someone that I protected that night by hitting my father and risking any further injuries, say such absurd things in my face, like if I had switched sides.

THERE ARE NO FUCKING SIDES.

At this point, I really want to leave. Just leave to somewhere I can be at peace. Because this is not peace. I cannot even find refuge in my mothers arms because of her damn mindset about this. It is disgusting.
 
 
ikrusnik
25 May 2010 @ 08:45 am
 There is never a soft serving of FUCK YOU.


That is the best that I can explain it. The past week and a half has been hell, and it feels like its going to be that way for a while. Oh well, a big fuck you to that too, right?

I just wish things were a little bit more relaxed. Just wish that I can get things through, without making a mission out of it.

Just so tired, stressed, and irritated. I'm surprised I have not popped.